Five stages of grief: how it feels to be laid off during COVID-19 crisis
I got laid off in the last days of March, 2020, a year I will never forget, a year that everyone on the earth is visibly affected by the same thing, COVID-19.
It happened almost like an ambush.
I was just starting another developer’s Monday, had some meetings and aligned with some colleagues about how to approach a collective task. Around noon, I went to kitchen to prepare a simple lunch. There was a company-wise meeting today, probably something important to announce, I thought to myself. Then I received a calendar invite from the engineering director, which was unusual as my team lead is in general the one having one on ones with me. I was thinking, hmm, maybe it is gonna be about my annual review coming up next month. So I accepted the invite.
After lunch, as usual, I did some code review with some free time before my meeting. Then I went into the meeting, still, totally relaxed. When I saw there were more people in the meeting: the head of people, my team lead, and CTO, I finally realized that things went terribly wrong. Then I was told how they wanted to raised the bar in this crisis, how I didn’t reach that bar etc. I got completely overwhelmed and shocked, I couldn’t speak. I know that I’d been discussing with my team lead that I needed to learn how to push back on tasks, so I could make better predictions on my sprint rather than taking too much into my plates and having to compromise on code quality in order to do more deliveries. We both agreed that it is not something that one can learn overnight so I was taking steps: I was talking to a senior colleague how he approaches it and we even had practices in the last sprint. I did a very good planning after that, and I was able to predict what could be potential blockers for me. I was even told that I had improved. Where was the bar? I lost in my own thoughts.
They then continued explaining more about how they cannot wait for me to improve. I then typed with my question (because I was choked by my emotion), are you going to rehire me back once the crisis is gone. They said they cannot say for sure as the situation is very unstable. I asked again, how many people in total got laid off, they told me 12 (out of 200 ish). Then the head of people started telling me about ‘practical stuff’, that I have only 1 more day to submit visa extension, to take the exit interview, and to say goodbye to my colleagues. The time pressure was emphasized multiple times. And then I was told that I should not tell others about this before they do it in the company meeting and they will send me those practicals in an email. I cried through the whole meeting.
I wasn’t in the mood of having an ‘exit interview’, but I got pinged soon. I was like, fuck it let’s just get it done. Like I expected, it’s the first layer of emotional damage control — I was asked how I felt, if I felt there’s anything in the process that could be done better etc. I didn’t have too much to say, so I finished it soon after. I started having people pinging on Slack to say how sorry they are. Yet again, I cried every single time.
I was told that I don’t need to attend the company meeting, but I was thinking, well I also want to know how they announce the whole thing. I heard the performance story again, this time was for every single person on that lay-off list. I was also shocked by some people’s names from that list. I heard people suggest some common methods to avoid lay-offs, like salary cut for everyone, ask people to take vacations, take government’s aid etc, and all got negative answers with, in my opinion, not too convincing reasons. I couldn’t wait till the meeting finish, so I quit it.
I then got a severance agreement to sign. With the time pressure, my instinct made me decide not to sign it before I had a clear mind. It is almost a survival advantage that I could still function in such a devastating state — the previous working experience I had in sourcing kicked in: never sign any legal documents with time pressure and emotional instability.
In the evening, I quickly formed a help group with other ‘fired’. We cried over the phone, we analyzed the whole thing, we tried to rationalize it, we looked for our fault, we looked for their fault, we talked about our confusions. Call it talking therapy if you will. Together, we went through the most painful day.
On the second day, I woke up with less grief mood. I was still confused, I was still trying to reason with it. Everything before was way too normal, I wasn’t getting any warnings, I got some issues but I was also improving it. I was even told that I was improving. I didn’t have a record of not performing. Did the lay-off make any financial sense for the company? I wouldn’t feel strange even if I get suspended (in Denmark, you can be suspended for certain time when your work is not needed, and after the period you may go back to work; during the suspension, you don’t get paid). None of these makes any sense.
Another news came through from my help group is that one of the laid-offs is hired and relocated from non-EU country, and he has only one month of notice period** because according to law, if you work for a company for less than six months, you get only one month as notice period, and he just reached five months. I was again shocked, because I thought everyone would be given enough breathing time. Currently, almost all companies globally slow down or even freeze their hiring. This is an awful, if not worst time to look for jobs. Nobody knows if the market is gonna open after a month. I felt empathetic and furious, so I again went into the angry and analyzing mode.
On the third day, I went out and met with a close colleague (with social distancing of course lol). He was equally surprised and angry about the whole situation. He felt really sad that he couldn’t have me as a colleague any more. At the end of the day, human connections are the real deal. I didn’t know why but I went on with telling him, hey look, it’s actually not that bad; I got a long vacation, and I don’t need to worry about being laid off anymore — it already happened. Who knows how scared I’d be if I’m the one who stayed. I know that I’m finally over it.
I feel like this whole being laid off thing made me go through the whole cycle of grief. I denied the fact, I couldn’t believe that it happened to me; I got furious about it, I was pouring my anger while talking about it for a while; then I started reasoning and analyzing, why it happened, why me, what was my role, why can’t they do it better etc; I felt confuse and didn’t know what to do, I was virtually looking at my phone for the whole time, I didn’t know if doing anything could be meaningful; at the end, I start talking about it as if talking about a bad ex, it hurt me before, but it becomes history.
What I learned from the whole process is that when shit happens, the last thing you want to do is to attribute it to yourself. You are the victim here, be nice to yourself. Talk about it with others, even with angry tone, even if you sound complaining, let the air out. Write it down, reflect on it, not to find your own fault, just to mark it as a chapter in life.
On the practical side, start building a new routine: when to get up and when to sleep, what needs to be done everyday etc. Update your CV and LinkedIn profile, make yourself open to new opportunity, let recruiters talk to you, take it as a confidence boost. Get yourself the ice cream you’ve always wanted, indulge yourself for 3 days (or any length you would like). Start some hobby project, talk to people who would understand you often. Do anything that makes you feel good. If you start doing some of these, you’ve moved on.
** good news is that I found out that he actually got a bit extra aid from the company, so not bad!
Thanks for reading my story, first of all. If you like it, please feel free to share it. If you like me, well, you should.
I’m Zoey Zou, currently a (jobless? available?) front-end web developer based in Copenhagen. I write about stuff, so random that I cannot conclude. I organize meetups and workshops with friends too. I have a very bizarre style of emcee and I love to see people awkward but happy at the same time.
If you want to connect with me:
twitter: @zoeyzou0117
linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/zoeyzou2018/
github: @zoeyzou
