This is a coding noob’s chronicle, volume VI. (Another year of keeping this ritual, this is turning a marathon now.) A bunch of volumes came before, from now on I’ll skip the linking cuz.. well I can find it myself.
First of all, this continuous recording of my life may not be too much about coding anymore as there is simply too much more in my life that’s in the spotlight of my attention. This is going to be about my exploration of life and other endeavors, and I hope my future self can always use this to trace back to where I was from.
2023 has been a year of spirituality, I’ve tried many things that I could potentially learn a few things from. I got more insights into who I would like to be and who I am right now, which triggered more questions of course. I also grew some new connections which I consider deeper and more wholesome, that have been giving me more perspectives on my relationship with myself and others.
Spirituality
This has been a recurring word in my mouth that I mentioned to different people — the pursuit of spirituality is part of my identity. This year I’ve tried a few times plant medicines and a Vipassana trip, and various other things — A 4-day workshop about consent, a KAP (Kundalini Activation Process) session, A workshop about connection, etc. I also have been re-reading Why Buddhism Is True and The Joy Of Living for a few times, and most of the time I read them side by side. I’ve always been interested in neuroscience, it’s been part of my belief in the possibility of transformation. I learned that meditation and psychedelics go hand in hand in many cases, though psychedelics are still a prohibited matter.
What I have learned repeatedly this year was the relationship between me and the suffering. Be it physical pain or psychological pain, most of the time we automatically respond with aversion and avoidance. Vipassana has taught me that all sensations come and go, and pain is part of the everlasting change. It is amazing how we see things much more permanent than they really are. If we start our day by having some discomfort, this bad feeling creeps into everything else and makes our day a terrible day, and it feels like it will never go away. However, the truth is, feelings change, sensations change, and before we even realize it, we are simply back to our baseline of happiness. This experiential knowledge empowers me very much because now I know that even if I’d be devastated at times, it goes away so long I don’t resist the feeling.
In other words, we are what we pay attention to, which can change. We have the power to change, at least. There is a lot of hope life gives that we don’t realize.
What next from now on? Keep the practice and curiosity, it will take me very far. I’m really looking forward to where I will be taken next.
Connections
I used to be a hidden people pleaser — I tried to stand out and be the one with a strong personality so people could be impressed. On the surface, I was just being “myself”, but that “self” was defined by others. I didn’t realize that for a very long time, and when I realized it, I didn’t have a good way to change it. For too long time living in such a role, I didn’t know which parts belonged to me. And the truth is, it’s almost impossible to connect to others if you don’t know who you are. What’s worse, I lived in the most primitive way — the child way. As a child, the world revolves around her, and everyone else exists to serve her. I had so much expectations on others, I took irrelevant things personal, and I didn’t really care about people if “I” was not involved in their matters. It’s a very distant feeling, as if I was isolated in a thin membrane in where I could only output but nothing could come in.
There’s a saying, connection is about giving and receiving influence to and from other people. Between two or more people, if all agree to accept the others’ influence, a connection will be formed. That distant feeling I had also included that I only wanted to make impact on others but I wasn’t really willing to take in any. The change happened to me recently is this openess — I started feeling more free and open and I see so much more in others, so I’m willing to take in. Because I started taking in, others also became willing to receive mine. I’ve managed to form a few of such connections this year, and I’m very grateful for it!
Perhaps the even more interesting aspect is that I’ve also found the meaning. Or rather, I learned where to find it. It is actually not something you gain, but rather something you choose to experience. It lies in everything and everywhere, and it happens all the time, if you allow yourself experiencing it. The inspiration I got from this is that, whenever I feel the void, I remind myself that it’s because now I choose not to experience the meaning, and it has its reasons. In turn, it leads me to another exploration and adventure, and maybe that’s the meaning it tries to express as well.
Going with flow
Going with flow doesn’t mean one loses its own direction and go blind on its journey. It’s more of this relaxed state of mind and the belief that one is doing its best at all time given what it has.
I went on a cruise trip and hang out with many pensionists in the beginning of the year. I was very curious and being perhaps too blunt in asking people questions — I kept asking what people would advice to their younger self. The recurring answers had been “things unfold on it own”.
When we are young, we have a lot of fear caused by uncertainty to deal with — where we would be, who we would be with, what we will be doing — none of these are settled, or they may never be. We want to have a grand plan in hope that it gives us some certainty as if we could see through the future. But the truth is, life is not really a linear line. We only lives in every moment, and the moments connect to each other and form a line. What we really have is the moments, although we can’t really know what next moment will be. But it always unfolds on its own, and it will take us everywhere if we allow it to. We just need to allow it, really.
What this gives me is this settled feeling and the trust I’m willing to give to life. I’m not as afraid, and I’m willing to take the ride.
In general, 2023 was a year of harvest, and my outlook to 2024 is positive. There will be more growth and peace, I believe!
